


Julius Caesar Naked

by Lady_Anonymia



Category: Julius Caesar - Shakespeare
Genre: Bastardizing Shakespeare, F/M, M/M, Multi, Parody, Shakespeare Quotations, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 16:04:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9910439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anonymia/pseuds/Lady_Anonymia
Summary: I was in a production of Julius Caesar late last year and wrote a weirder, funnier parody of it. So far I've only written about a few substantial scenes, but I hope to write more at some point! Read it if ya want, if ya don't want, that's cool, too, friendo.





	1. Scene XV

**SCENE XV. The same. The field of battle.**

 

_ Alarum. Enter BRUTUS and MESSALA _

 

**BRUTUS**

Ride, ride, Messala, ride!

**MESSALA**

To—to where, my general? And, for what?

**BRUTUS**

Ride, Messala, ride!

**MESSALA**

My general?

**BRUTUS**

Ugh, Messala! How am I supposed to be an _honorable_ general if none of my lieutenants follow my _honorable_ orders!? I told you to ride, goddamnit, and you’re going to ride! No more questions, just fucking go!

**MESSALA**

Of—of course, my general.

 

_ Exeunt. _

 


	2. Scene XVI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes to shit.

**SCENE XVI. Another part of the field.**

 

_Alarums. Enter CASSIUS and TITINIUS._

 

**TITINIUS**

Oh, god, Cassius, we’re all fucked! Antony and Octavius’ army is way better than ours! Maybe if you and Brutus weren’t always “drinking each other’s love” and actually trained us—

 

_Enter PINDARUS_

 

**PINDARUS**

You gotta get the fuck outta here, you guys! I think Marc Antony’s army is ransacking the tents and they’re stealing all the weird Caesar porn Cassius hid under his mat!

**CASSIUS**

All of it?

**PINDARUS**

All of it, my lord.

**CASSIUS**

Goddammit! Titinius!

**TITINIUS**

Yes, my lord?

**CASSIUS**

Titinius, you’re gay for me, right?

**TITINIUS**

What? No! My lord, that was—that was one time! I—  

**CASSIUS**

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

**TITINIUS**

You were the one who asked me to—!

**CASSIUS**

Shut up and do me a favor, Titinius. I need you to ride down to our tents, just to make sure that the troops are Antony’s.

**TITINIUS**

My lord, if I were to go by myself, I could die!

**CASSIUS**

If you go by yourself, I’ll kiss you again.

**TITINIUS**

...on the mouth?

**CASSIUS**

On the mouth.

**TITINIUS**

See ya!

 

_Exit_

 

**CASSIUS**

Well, that was easy. Hey, Pindarus? Uh, do me a favor and go to the top of that hill over there, okay? I don’t have my distance glasses on me.

 

_PINDARUS ascends the hill_

 

Ugh, this is the worst birthday present ever. Pindarus!

**PINDARUS**

My lord?

**CASSIUS**

What’s going on with TT?

**PINDARUS**

Uh, he’s...riding to the tents. The troops are approaching fast, but he’s still going in. He really wants that kiss, huh? Titinius didn’t really strike me as a gay guy.

**CASSIUS**

Pindarus, focus!

**PINDARUS**

Sorry, my lord! Uh, the troops, they’re...they’re closing in on him! I should have brought my cheddar popcorn: this is better than _Jaws_!

**CASSIUS**

Pindarus!

 

_Shout_

 

**PINDARUS**

Oh, shit, they got him! It’s over, Cassius, it’s over, Titinius is 1000% fucked!

**CASSIUS**

Goddammit, not him too! I mean, I didn’t wanna fuck him, but he was pretty hot!

 

_PINDARUS descends_

 

Ugh, I’m tired of people I know dying. I’m done with the world. I just want to be accepted by death, to walk with him down the path of memories and feel my being become light and goodness in the afterlife...Pindarus, my time has come. Run me through with my sword, and end my pitiful, sad life.

**PINDARUS**

Doesn’t that seem a liiiittle overdramatic?

**CASSIUS**

You don’t stab me, I’m gonna stab myself and my ghost is gonna make you chain yourself to my dead body!

**PINDARUS**

My lord, I don’t think you have the power—

**CASSIUS**

You wanna be a free man? Huh? Huh? Stab me, then!

 

_PINDARUS stabs him_

 

Are you happy now, Caesar? I killed myself on my birthday because my side boyfriend died! Are you not entertained!?

 

_Dies_

 

**PINDARUS**

Welp, I’m free now! I should probably go, though, before someone comes back and kicks my ass. See ya later, suckers!  

 

_Exit_

 

_Re-enter TITINIUS with MESSALA_

 

**MESSALA**

Thank god everything is perfectly fine and nothing is wrong. I’m really happy that we were able to beat Antony’s army and get them out of our camp’s tents.

**TITINIUS**

We weren’t able to save all Cassius’ weird Caesar porn, though. He’s not gonna be happy about that.

**MESSALA**

Where is Cassius anyway?

**TITINIUS**

He should still be sitting on the hill with Pindarus, right? I hope they’re not making out again...Cassius takes advantage of people when he’s feeling emotionally vulnerable.

**MESSALA**

Hey, TT, is that him chillin’ over there?

**TITINIUS**

...I don’t think he’s chillin’, Mess. I think he’s pretty far from chill, actually, I think he’s dead.

**MESSALA**

Are you sure that’s him?

**TITINIUS**

Messala, I’m pretty sure I’d recognize the guy that I’m gay for.

**MESSALA**

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. I thought Brutus was gay for him, though.

**TITINIUS**

Yeah, him, too.

**MESSALA**

Ooh. Complicated.

**TITINIUS**

Yeah, I know. There’s a lot of drama going on in the camps, Messala. Where have you been?

**MESSALA**

Obviously not in the right place. Maybe I need to go gay for someone.

 

_Laugh_

 

**MESSALA**

Whoo, anyways. Are we gonna address this body now, or...

**TITINIUS**

Yeah, we can do that now! Ahem:

“O setting sun,

As in thy red rays thou dost sink to-night,

So in his red blood Cassius' day is set;

The sun of Rome is set! Our day is gone;

Clouds, dews, and dangers come; our deeds are done!

Mistrust of my success hath done this deed.”

**MESSALA**

That was a beautiful speech, TT. I was very moved.

**TITINIUS**

Why, thank you, Messala. Hey, by the way...do you see Pindarus around anywhere?

**MESSALA**

I didn’t see him when we got here...

**TITINIUS**

Bastard! He was probably the one who killed Cassius in the first place! Jealousy much?

**MESSALA**

That’s quite the conclusion to jump to.

**TITINIUS**

You don’t know the camp drama like I do, Mess. It’s intense, man. This is definitely the type of shit Pindarus would pull. I am gonna kick his ass when I find him!

**MESSALA**

Well, you do that, and I’ll go thrust the news into Brutus’ ears that Cassius is dead.

**TITINIUS**

That...sounds sexual.

**MESSALA**

Hey, just because I’m out of the loop doesn’t mean I was completely oblivious to the fact that Cassius and Brutus were fucking each other on the daily.

**TITINIUS**

Oh, it was a reference! I like it.

**MESSALA**

Thank you!

**TITINIUS**

Anyways, you go and tell Brutus, and I’ll try and find Pindarus. Cool?

**MESSALA**

Cool. See you, man.

 

_Exit MESSALA_

 

**TITINIUS**

Why, Cassius? Why would you do this? I was obviously coming back! Like I was going to die without kissing you again.

_[Sobs]_

I know this isn’t from the right play, but it’s Shakespeare, so I’m going for it! Ahem:

“Here, here will I remain

With worms that are thy chamber-maids; O, here

Will I set up my everlasting rest,

And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars

From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!

Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you

The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss

A dateless bargain to engrossing death!”

 

_Kiss_

 

“Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!

Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on

The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!

Here's to my love!”

 

_Stabs himself_

 

[whispered] I was too gay to live...

 

_Alarum. Re-enter MESSALA, with BRUTUS, CATO, STRATO, VOLUMNIUS, and LUCILIUS_

 

**BRUTUS**

Where is Cassius, Messala? Where is he!?

**MESSALA**

Calm down, he’s right there, chillin’ with TT.

**BRUTUS**

Why is Titinius looking at the sky like that? Is he high?

**CATO**

Either that, or he’s dead. Judging by the bleeding wound in his side, I’m gonna go with the latter.

**BRUTUS**

Goddammit, Caesar, you made my boyfriend and his side hoe kill themselves! There’s no _honor_ in a death like that!

 

_Low alarums_

 

Aw, man, Titinius was pretty cool...yeah, he and Cassius had a thing on the side, but he was a good soldier, and one of my only other gay friends. And Cassius...oh god, Cassius. I loved him so, so much. The way that he would ask me, beg me even, to kill him whenever I got even slightly mad at him...I lost a great sub today. Portia was a dom woman herself, but this man...he helped me through all of my sexual frustrations. Friends, I owe more strokes to this dead man than you shall see me pay.

**STRATO**

My lord, none of us want to see you pay any “strokes.”

_[General agreement from all except BRUTUS]_

**BRUTUS**

_[whispered]_ I shall find time, Cassius, I shall find time.

Well, we’ve got to put his body somewhere. Strato, Volumnius, take his body to Thasos. I don’t want it in my camp: necrophilia is not something I’m getting into anytime soon. Lucilius, Cato, with me. We’re gonna kick Antony’s ass or my name isn’t Marco Brutus!

**CATO**

My lord, your name is Marc _us_ Brutus.

**BRUTUS**

Whatever! Let’s go fight some people, _honorably_!

 

_Exeunt_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and (as always), I hope you enjoyed the story! Comments and kudos are appreciated and encouraged :-)


End file.
